Its Just Got Me Upset Again
"If you are patient in one moment of anger, y'all will escape a hundred days of sorrow." ~Chinese proverb
As Tiny Buddha grows larger, I find at that place are a lot more people emailing me with requests. The people-pleaser in me wants to say yes to anybody, but the reality is that there is only so much fourth dimension in the day—and we all have a right to allocate our time as best supports our intentions, needs, and goals.
Recently someone contacted me with a asking that I was unable to honor. After I communicated that, he made a sweeping judgment nearly my intentions and graphic symbol, ending his email with "Buddha would be appalled."
As ironic as this may sound given the context of this site, I felt aroused.
I felt aroused considering I have always struggled with saying no, and this was exactly the blazon of uncomfortable encounter I generally aim to avoid.
I felt aroused because I felt misunderstood and judged, and I wanted him to realize that he was wrong about me.
I felt angry because I assumed he intended to be hurtful, and I didn't feel like I deserved that.
I ended upward responding to his email fairly quickly with a niggling bit of defensiveness, albeit with restraint. Subsequently I pressed transport, I felt a petty aroused with myself for letting this bother me. Then I realized that this was a wonderful exercise in learning to deal with anger.
Information technology's inevitable that I'll experience that way over again—and many times, with people I know well and honey. We all volition. We'll all have lots of misunderstandings and annoyances, and lots of opportunities to practice responding to acrimony calmly and productively.
If we're mindful, nosotros can use these situations to better ourselves and our relationships.
With this in mind, I put together this guide to dealing with anger:
SIT WITH YOUR Acrimony
1. Let yourself to feel angry.
You may think you demand to comprehend "negative feelings" with positive ones. You don't. You're entitled to feel whatever you demand to feel. We all are.
2. Brand a conscious choice to sit with the feeling.
Oftentimes when I'm angry I feel the need to act on it, simply later I more often than not wish I'd waited. Make up one's mind that you're non going to practice annihilation until the feeling has less of a grip on you lot.
3. Feel the anger in your body.
Is your neck tense? Is your breast called-for? Is your throat tightening? Are your legs twitching? Recognize the sensations in your body and exhale into those areas to clear the blockages that are keeping yous feeling stuck.
iv. Run into this as an exercise in self-soothing.
You lot can get yourself all revved-up, stewing in righteousness and mentally rehashing all the ways you were wronged. Or y'all can talk yourself down from biting rage into a place of inner calm. In the finish, we're the only ones responsible for our mental states, so this is a great opportunity to do emotional regulation.
5. Commit to interim without seeking retribution.
Decide that you're not looking to become even or regain a sense of power. You're looking to address the situation and communicate your thoughts nearly it clearly.
EXPLORE YOUR ANGER
six. Check in with your mood before the incident.
Were you having a bad day already? Were you lot already feeling annoyed or irritated? It could be that someone's actions were the straw that bankrupt the camel's back only not fully responsible for creating these feelings.
vii. Ask yourself: Why is this bothering yous so much?
Is it really what someone else did, or are you feeling aroused considering of what you're interpreting their actions to hateful? (For example, yous may recollect that your young man not showing upwardly ways that he doesn't respect y'all, when he may accept a valid explanation).
8. Take a projection inventory.
If you're angry with someone for doing something that you lot've done many times before, your feelings may be magnified by seeing a behavior of your ain that you're not proud of. Await for all areas where you lot may be projecting your own traits onto someone else to get closer to root of your feelings.
ix. Journal about it.
Catch your pen and walk yourself through it step by pace. What did the other person do? Are you assuming negative intentions on their role? Have they done this before? How practice you feel besides aroused—do yous feel insecure, frustrated, or dislocated? Become it all out.
10. Put it in a letter.
At present that you know more conspicuously what part the other person played in your acrimony and which part is more about you, write a letter to him or her. You may ship this letter, or y'all might end up just burning information technology. This is to help you clarify what exactly you'd similar that person to know, understand, or alter.
Answer WITHOUT Acrimony
11. Now that you're clear about the role you played in your anger, initiate a exact conversation about what bothered you.
You could also transport the letter of the alphabet you wrote, but it will be easier to clarify parts the other person doesn't empathize if you're having a straight back-and-forth exchange.
12. Utilize "I feel" language.
So instead of saying, "You lot didn't show up, then y'all obviously don't care about me," say, "When you forget about the things that are important to me, I feel injure." In this way, you lot're not assuming the other person meant to brand you feel bad—you lot're merely explaining how information technology makes yous feel so they can sympathise how their actions impact you.
13. Resist the urge to unload all your unspoken grievances.
Sometimes one annoyance tin can open the floodgates to a laundry listing of complaints—but no one responds well to a barrage of criticism. Stick to the outcome at hand, and address the other things at some other fourth dimension.
14. Stay open to the other person's perspective.
It's possible that they feel angry, besides, and think that y'all're the 1 in the incorrect. It's also possible that there isn't a right or wrong, only rather two people who run across things differently and demand to see each other's point of view.
15. Focus on creating a solution.
If your goal is to become the other person to acknowledge that they're wrong, you'll probably end up in a power struggle. Focus instead on what y'all'd like to alter in the future—for example, you'd appreciate information technology if your friend would come straight to y'all next fourth dimension instead of lament nigh you lot backside your back. Yous tin help facilitate this by owning some responsibility—that you volition listen if they come to y'all instead of getting emotional.
Learn FROM YOUR Anger
16. Learn what you value.
This situation taught you lot something useful nearly what you value in the people yous choose to be friends with—maybe directness, humility, or loyalty. This will aid you lot determine which people you might want to spend more or less time with going forward.
17. Learn what you need.
It might be something you need to ameliorate your relationship, or it might be that you lot need to finish a relationship because you know information technology doesn't serve you. Learn it, own it, deed on information technology.
18. Learn how to communicate clearly.
This experience was an practise in expressing yourself in the best way to exist heard and understood. There will definitely be more situations like this in the future, so this is good exercise for misunderstandings and struggles to come.
19. Acquire how you tin improve your response to anger going forrad.
Mayhap you reacted also quickly, so at present yous've learned to put more infinite between your feelings and your response. Possibly you lot got defensive, and the other person close down, so you've learned to be less accusatory in the future.
20. Learn what you'll do differently in the future.
You lot probably realized somewhere forth this journey that you lot played some part in the situation. Very rarely is it black and white. Once you ain your part, now you tin apply that knowledge to create more peaceful relationships going forward.
And lastly, forgive. Equally I wrote in my post about forgiveness, very few of us go to the ends of our lives and say, "I wish I stayed angry longer." Nosotros generally say one of the following:
I love you lot. I forgive you. I'thousand sad.
If that'southward likely what you lot'll experience when you realize time is running out, why not express it now, while you tin can still enjoy the peace it will give you?
—
*My apologies for non responding to every comment on this post! I have a hard fourth dimension keeping up with all comments on the hundreds of posts I've shared over the last decade.
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Source: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/20-things-to-do-when-youre-feeling-angry-with-someone/
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